In a series of unexpected events.

It's been 2 weeks today since my soulsister died.

It's really a series of unfortunate and unexpected events that has led these last two months to being the most tumultuous ones since we moved here..

I will say this though: when a famous person dies it's like a buzzing background noise of people mourning a person the never even knew...But when your best friend dies, the person you clicked with instantly, the one who you share everything with, the person so ingrained into your life that you can not look at or touch anything without a reminder...The one who is the slowest handsewer in the world...the one who is the "cheer up voice" in your head..who borrowed your clothes and discussed feminist thoughts and poured you an extra glass of wine even though you know you should really be getting home and showed you the "right way" of lacing a corset ...the one who grounded you.

The one who would be both touched and embarrassed by how much you cried writing this.

When that person dies all you hear is silence.

Silence in the phone that doesn't ring and in the message that was never read. The emptiness that stretches out inside like a black hole sucking up words and thoughts. Silence in your head because of the things you will never tell her. 

Feeling like you want everything to stay the same because you cant bare the thought of her not being there to share the changes.

And I will also say this: I will always be thankful that I got to know her. She was as close to me as another human can be and I will miss her every day of my life. I will remember how much fun she was, how warm and extraordinary..how accepting of mine and other peoples recklessness (her flirty laugh and preference for tequila too). But I will think of you, Amanda, every time I sew. And every time I wear my Victorian clothes out in public it will be partly for you..just like we were and was always going to be.

 I will always love you. 

But things must change. I forgot for a while that this is what life is like. I only pray it's not too much..that's all I can do.