Why I am fucking terrified of wearing this t-shirt. A tale of silence.

2.15 PM

A few days ago I saw this while doing what I do most afternoons..wasting my life on the internet (no really, the internet is fine, its facebook that's the evil bit.), and I thought I'd really like that on a t-shirt! I'm usually not a fan of t-shirts but if has a purpose I suppose I am..

But truth is I was scared just thinking that thought. All trough the process of cutting out the letters and sponge painting my pattern I was scared. And now that I have it on me ready to go out I am fucking terrified. 

I stood in front of my mirror putting mascara on..will this make me feminine enough for this? Do I look good enough to be excused? Harmless enough..? Maybe I should put a scarf on to make it less aggressive?

I don't think the simple question of "why can't women too rule the world?" is aggressive really. I don't think asking to be or acting as if you are equal to the people around me is aggressive. I'm the kind of person who would happily drink my wine/water/oddly alcoholic mead out of a "male tears" mug in my own home with my son and my husband because here we are all equal and "misandry" is ridiculous because in the end I'm just levelling the playing field..but not out there. Out there I walk the thin line between submissive and aggressive. Social rules that's deeply engrained into me since childhood to not make them angry. Them. The real people. The men.

It must be hard for a man to understand the fear that underpins our lives. But imagine you broke into your bosses house, raped his kids and stole his car and then printed that on a t-shirt and showed up to work wearing it. That's the level of fear I'm feeling right now.

It's just a question. But women have been killed for less.

Fingers crossed!

4.20 PM

So yeah, nothing happened. No one even noticed me rushing trough the school grounds wearing a "man-hating" t-shirt. And I think this is the real fear, not so much what actually happens but the constant threat of what COULD happen. We all get them.. the threats. "I could rape you right now but I wont." said the guy sitting next to me in the dark. "First I own you and then your boyfriend takes you over" said my dad when I was 17. "If you leave me I will search you out and kill you"... I could go on and on but most will know what I mean: a lifetime of threats will silence you. Especially when you know that IF something happends no one will save you but you will be blamed for it instead. "If you didn't want to be abused then don't dress that way".

So I suppose I was not really scared of really getting hurt. But of all the what if 's. Because I have my own blame written all over my chest. Literally.

Cause it just doesn't feel like a night out if no one is sizing you up!